Category Thirteen: The Random, Wayward Musings of an Unsigned Writer

These damn Chuck Norris quotes have been floating around the internet for a while now. Thanks to me, you can read a good number of them right here. Cheers!

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and with one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Chuck Norris.

Onions do not make Chuck Norris cry. Chuck Norris makes onions shit themselves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Circles exist because Chuck Norris beat the crap out of some squares.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris !" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.


Chuck Norris can count backwards from infinity.

Crop circles are Chuck’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Whenever Chuck Norris plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Chuck ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

I was told by a good friend that consistency is the key to any good Steve (my code word for blog from the 1st post). Unfortunately, the consistency of my work so far is in need of some proverbial fiber in it's diet; it is severely lacking.

Right now, it's 12:03 a.m. and I am still up doing homework (of sorts) that most likely should have been done earlier this weekend. However, due to what many consider my finest skill, procrastination, I have put it off until the very last second and now suffer the doldrums of insomnia as I plug through the task editing of a 30 page paper that was not written by me.

In fact, according to what I can remember from my day planner, which was strategically placed under the driver's seat of my car, there is something like 5 things I was supposed to attend to this weekend; none of which was done. So much for good intentions.

You are probably asking yourself, "If I had a million dollars, would I do two chicks at the same time?" If you aren't thinking that then you might be wondering whether or not you should pour that expired milk over your delicious bowl of frosted Lucky Charms. On the whim that you are asking: Why the hell are you updating your Steve if you are so far behind? The answer is simple: baby steps.

When you have a huge list of crap to do and you aren't sure where to start - I say, screw around on the internet. What better place is there to waste time, continuing the trend of not getting things done? Plus, there is something to be said for consistency (remember?). I haven't gotten much done yet this weekend, why start now? - Other than the fact that it's technically Monday. But my clock is temporarily set to California time. By this logic, the work week doesn't begin for another two hours!